You Understand When You Listen

Why are we bound by distance of each-other?
We're already enough in visual recognition, we're lovers
Have we been given two fates that are linked
Is a marriage band something that could be on the brink?
We don't fight, so we never have to make up
And you never have to find another or put on your make up
Because we make up
What everyone else wakes up attempting to be
Woman I would give you the entire world just as a bonus
The Obama's can see our radiant love affair, and for advice to keep theirs alive, they phone us
We gave the sun its reason to shine
Our path so highly painted the Sistine Chapel depicted us on the ceiling for our union being divine
This entire event has already been scribed in time
You say you've lost your honest ways? Here, take mine
I'll live the lie
Ill burden a few cries
It makes sense of the punishments rained from the sky
If I cant keep you to honestly bless and beautify my world, then I've already died
If no one has told you, I'm way past love
I never have to say the word because I tell you the way the rock group Extreme does
If summer seasons could offer as much heat as you warm my soul with your words in seconds
Then every other temperature differential would chill my nature without your voice and blessing
Mother nature gave birth to you seeing as how you're a heat wave
I must have had a lapse in time and social status because in your grasp I've been a slave
I've only mentioned the word once but you know what I mean
Its written all over my face, not just on this computer screen
I can see the colors of your aura printed on my brain
Its the map of strategies and structures you've set up on my conscious and ego to keep me sane
Walking with such beauty on a day-to-day must be a heavy burden
Its the obvious group of whispers and rumors you have to constantly herd in
To not notice your beauty would be like Hellen Keller not noticing she breathed in the air
She doesn't have much to sense but she at least knows that that's there
Its a tremendous gap between your impact on me as opposed to what I see in others
What I say about you to other women has them asking me do I have brothers
It makes no sense to share the splendor we share under the covers
I'm putting my feelings on Front St. now, but that intimate aspect of us can simply be seen to the world secret lovers
Monuments were made with less of a historical significance
You embody all of my precious hope and my achievements deliverance
I'm a man without you, but with you I feel omnipotent
After tasting your sweet nectar, sampling any other id be nothing but impotent
I bring my thoughts together to strengthen what you don't touch, my last nerve
This feeling transcends all borders and boundaries of known relativity, its evident in every single letter of this verve

Holding On

~This was written in December 2006 but continues to be relevant, enjoy....~

My thoughts are flying spears to my ears

I try to dodge them in my mind but they’re all I hear

I need you in my heart but I baby I also need you here

I keep thinking about you, not wanting to

I’ve heard all I needed but not what I wanted too

You told me all I should know the first time, but this is time two

Needing you is not something I crave, something I’m stuck doing

My logic is the semi pushing against the brick wall of my heart and it’s not moving

You must think this is what I want in life, to keep pursuing

You’re pictures don’t fade that doesn’t make it better

You’re the fog that hasn’t lifted, the shadow in the desert

You’re the used car you can’t get rid of, although it’s been weathered

Baby, my lasting scar

The near that’s just so far

You always are just that glowing star

I don’t see you, but you’re there

I don’t feel you, but I don’t care

You broke my heart, I have a spare

The lie of my denial has so much truth in it

The places you took my spirits have only deep rooted it

I got all this to hold on to, now what to I do with it

It’s not about forgetting because that’s not what letting go does

This is an itch that needs to be scratched, but momma told me not to scratch just rub

There has to be so many better things than this within love

To my personality this is like an amusement park that had a bad weekend

You know what these aren’t tears streaming down that I’m leaking

This is love that I’m dripping out that someone else after you maybe seekin

Sweetheart I just cant let go

Is it true or just a burden I don’t know

Things went wrong so fast, is that why my recovery is so slow

With you I saw the night’s radiant day

So many songs in a different way

And all together a colorful coherence that remains in me to this day

You made me so high without substance

So drunk without the chuggin

And so full without the grubbin

Is that why im holdin on to this lovin

Being so high and hoverin

I never knew my subconscious could be so stubborn

Our love you had to take

My heart held too much and was forced to break

You had all the power to do that, but from this zombie state you can’t help me wake?

I need to figure out the lesser of two wrongs

Letting go or holding on

Wait I already know, because you’re in tune to someone else’s song

Get What You Want, One Way or Another

just found out that joanne is fulfilled and happy, and im very happy for her :)

Accident of Destiny

In the midst of an already confusing life, it's possible to meet someone you've never met and have it make perfect sense
Give a smile and let them see without ever showing how it emerges or fades
And then browse through the conversation
Frolic through the anticipation
A coincidence of conversation leads to a new friend, new object of affection, and new light in a smile once forgotten or tarnished from abuse of unworthy use
And to wait while getting a complete education on everything that theyre made of
Hearing what's in their heart, and on their mind, choosing every detail to listen to
Hearing, listening, and understanding. All that to be relied on with truth
Sitting back hoping to hear from words rather than a sound
Waiting to be reached by words rather than a soft touch
Nestling yourself into the blanket of potential and wonderment found in a rarity
Its all the same yet it feels so new
A complicated story of two, but a mutual intrigue makes the satisfaction one in the same
The two that happened to miss one another by a moment and by the turning of a page
And yet, they don't seem to skip a beat
Then pause, take a moment to reflect on a connection that's more tangible than could ever be expected
Witty intellect, sass, and playful charm that massages into any sensible being
Everyday its something new
Every moment is appreciated
Every time you are felt without question you are elated
An attractive smile and face engraved in the eyes to flash by from time to time
And the beauty in strength makes an impact
A groove
A noticeable indent in a heart once forgotten by emotions and affections
There so much more than meets the eye
Not judging either book by its cover is an amazing act of wisdom and faith put on name with only a few syllables with many letters of definition yet to be told
The choices are irrelevant, the interest lies in the decision maker
The past is neither here nor there; present is their presence in the present and that present takes precedence over anything
The only fault is having things not happen sooner rather than later
But as they happen now, full advantage is taken of any and all is all there is and will be
Not sure what it really is
Puzzled thinking if there's anything that could be
So living in this moment is the only commonsense move
Everything happens for a reason
People pass for a season
The choice has been made to stay and keep this sweet summer season
The thoughts reflect like that of the morning dew on the branches that drip and refresh the individual standing under the leaned branch in a simmering summer
Walking side by side thus far in hopes that it shall continue
Walking amidst a comfortable heat
This heat, can be shared, and was destined for two....

The 180 Come Full Circle...

It's amazing to me how things can flip/flop, and all around change within an instant. Those life altering moments we don't recognize until, it all changes. All, as in the circumstance. All, as in the situation. All, as in your how you proceed to carry-on what you call your life. Within a week I've had things change within my life that I assumed were lasting and images of substance. A person could be lost in the woods only to be found in the trees. A bug could be a live on the hunt for food and seconds later dead on the bottom of a shoe.
There's always that certain moment that happens to any given individual that would cause them to pause and reflect. I've had a few reasons to think everything can change for the better/worse. This past year has been a crystal clear reflection of this inescapable fact that everything can change within an instant.
Ever have that amazing schedule lined up that you've been anticipating for weeks? That one party or that one weekend where its all about what you want to do and you have carte blanche over any and everything that transpires. What if that sense of control or that sense of power was all a fictitious illusion that you assumed to have, only to have not. A party that had any and every indication to be magnificent completely buried itself in its own hype just because of an unforseen factor, the human factor. Whether that factor was you or just another friend and/or acquaintance is irrelevant, what is relevant is the instant change in perception in the said human factor or the atmosphere itself. The inevitability of change comes full-circle whether we stand in its path or not. We are the change....
It painfully obvious to me that one can fall in-infatuation, in-like, or in love in a matter of months and have that all disappear with a single action. Imagine, all the work and patience that you deliver to someone's heart for it all to be cast aside by their ignorance, lack of consideration, or maybe a mistake on your behalf. And then you find yourself in in-pain, in-frustration, and in-loathing. Again, an instance of change, all within a matter of minutes/hours. Along with that sense of affection that changes, so does the individual who was once the object of said affection. Its all relative. Then you find yourself with that refreshing drink of water who's words and presence swoon your once thrashing seas into a steady flowing river of fulfillment. It may lead you to forget an instant or maybe just put it off to deal with at another time. The better for it? That remains to be seen. But trying to make an instant last a lifetime is an impossibility. Better to live in the moment than live for tomorrow.
It isn't logical to see what can't be seen with the naked eye, but to be aware of it all, that's wisdom that would beget certain logic. Understanding that everything changes in an instant is something that I am still struggling with to accept. But my optimism and positives that continue to come out of the gloom, are more than enough of a reassurance that I am on the right track.
~thanx for the inspiration~

I Think Its High Time We Put the Games To Rest, Don't You?

See, the reason why I don't play all these games is simple...IVE PLAYED ALL OF THEM ALREADY!!! Its really kind of disheartening to know that some of us are still heavy on the sticks. My age group is centered around their mid to early 20's, so the sense of discovery along with the cat and mouse pursuits maybe entertaining at times, but when do we say the games are redundant? When does it end? When do we battle for that last token, the 8th and final time we've defeated the motherboard and put that ass to rest? To those with firm possession of their self-proclaimed sanity its reasonable to say that the game is no longer amusing when it ceases to be a challenge. We seem to have a, "Been there, done that" attitude that sets us apart from everyone else entering the the 'Candy Land~Heart Edition'. Personally ive played all these games, I even managed to write some untraceable sequences of my own. So I can understand the appeal and temptation of a young, hungry, and party-crazed 20-something who sees opportunity of achievement as more of a plethora rather than having the narrowed and defined scope that separates generations and maturity levels. Its always a disappointment when you think you have all the cards and someone is still playing 'Go Fish' or an exciting game of 'BullShit' with your personal, collectible deck. Its a little amazing the lengths people will go in that 'BullShit' game, it can almost seem like you're playing right along with them. DON'T BE FOOLED!! DON'T BE A FOOL!!! Words to live by, biblical even, "Don't argue with a fool". Even better "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, im an idiot and I deserved it but that ass is mine!" Ok so we all know which part I inserted for my own personal former-fool rebellious rage but hey it happens to the best of us. And I know we like to play tic-tac-toe or the palms up/palms down game that test your reflexes and NO ONE wants to get slapped during that exchange. In the end, what do the games prove? What do they solve? What is the purpose? Is the competition self-gratifying for the game itself, the players, or the player who proposed the game? And are we playing the games so we don't have to? PERSONALLY, im done playing. I want to sit back and observe. I want to supply the pieces, cords, electronics, puzzles, controllers, characters, and story lines. I want to have a co-producer. I don't want to play, that's DEAD to me. I want to find someone who done with the play on words. Someone who doesn't have to have their cake and eat it too. When the games are gone, and the TV's off, and the electricity has vanished, who will join me outside for a nice and original yet long forgotten game.... of tag?

IN, For Good....

Never had a love w/out last on my heart this long
Different lyrics, verses and beats, yet its all the same song
Its been months since a whisper of despair in that voice
Couldn't forget, but id let go if that were my choice
My nature and instinct has conflicted with my actions
This is not a physical or mental but a soul's attraction
Never needed to shape this in any way
The only thing I'd mold is an arrangement to make that luminous half stay
Life's unfair?A selfish and narrow-minded conclusion
To be in complete control of such an intense outcome: a bitter delusion
Soft hands, sweet lips and inside smiles
Forever walking my mind's wishful aisle
Enchanted by the intelligence of a connection not meant for understanding
Returning me to myself, whatever that maybe, is what I am demanding
A man apart, a life apart, a partial part.
I'm not just yearning to make love, but art.
Times change and so does the game
But like my heart and decisions, the more things change, the more they stay the same....

Questions, Questions

Good girls like me, great women loved me
Ive always felt like shit on the inside, so did they really know me?
Do I really know me?
Few are still around, did the others just blow me?
Woe is me
There's never been a cold me
But there is definitely an old me
Who gets no sleep
Who cares deep but acts and reacts recklessly
What did they see in me that I haven't seen?
What did the inevitable endings really mean?
At the end my smile stayed pearly white, but wasn't always clean
Broke the hearts and I can't regret it
Each one of the now mended hearts is better for the better after we decided to dead it
I let one go and still that runs through my mind
As long as I believe it was for the better, it'll be fine
Life is a lesson, I'll learn in time
Maybe I was her lesson in life to learn and get a piece of mind
Just as long as her heart's intact because she still has a piece of mine....

The Hunt for My Song of Expression

Its been a long time since I chilled in my zone.
My zone of splendor.
That zone where I have simplicity serenity and joyful peace.
I've lost my zone.

To time or growth I'm not sure.

But my zone was a place of music and relativity for my needs and satisfactions.

It was a place I never found to often but enough to not be missed. Never forgotten.
We can relate it to a musician and the cords and notes he needs to play to express himself.
The musician is so in-touch with his expression he can't sleep at night unless he lets lose with his notes and melodies.
Let's let this genre be jazz.
It has subtle variations to its style but always has the same soulful and calm beats that you can recognize and chill out to.
Anyways, I've lost touch with my jazz.
I haven't played the same cords in such a long time.
I miss rolling around in the feeling of my jazz.
It seems either I've out grown it, or its outgrown me.
I feel unsettled, is this apart of the separation.
Is my lack of melody meant to be.
I like music.
I want to be in music.
I want to be in jazz.
No more no less.
I want to speak through my jazz, I want it to speak through me.
I crave that release and that energy.
A new perspective on myself through every song played, created and learned.
It used to be easy to find my instrument, but now it seems they are a dime a dozen.
It all just makes me wonder where the time went.
Back in the day when you were weeks-months older and things made more sense than they do now, or they were just easier to get around.
I want to roll around in the notes that used to play without question.
I want to feel the the bass line and rumble with the hook.
Never again.
Doesn't have to make sense, its all an open 2nd grade English book to me.
As abruptly as it stopped, so shall this.

"They Want That Old Thing Back..."

I'm hearing a lot of people talk about they want to get back with their ex's. I must admit that I too am victim of these somewhat intrusive thoughts and feelings. Its only natural that when in search of a new love you think about the old and compare the potential to the dieing or deceased present affections. You want to know right then and there, what's better, what's worse, what makes sense, and what won't ultimately leave you in that elusive medical anomaly known as love. But in the end, is going back worth it?

Day by day I become more of a firm believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. From missing your train to the fly that whizzes right into your eye as if it was trying to tunnel into your iris, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

Lets analyze the possibilities for a second. Walking down the street on a sunny but mellow afternoon, sweet smells of industry rolling by at every minute. Suddenly you happen to come across the embodiment of what you instantly to believe to be your future spouse. You automatically don't break stride, you even put a little pep in your step to be noticed. They look in your direction, you manage to let out a smirk and lock eyes, just when you're about to open your mouth a little wider to reveal those pearly white the loudest, hairiest, and directed flies you've ever seen or heard of in your life whizzes from behind your head and tries to enter your ocular cavity on a mission to get to the banana you just had for lunch. This instantly sends you into a quick and potentially violent spasm for all innocent bystanders with your arms flailing in the air and your body ducking and dodging the fly like you were trying to miss a few quick hooks from "Iron" Mike Tyson. Your spouse takes on a strange and yet horrified out face as if seeing the infamous '2 Girls, 1 Cup' vid on the internet and proceeds to quickly walk in the opposite direction. Now I can see how this may sound as an incredibly humiliating and a future reason to see psychiatric help but what you DIDN'T know, was the vanishing spouse at first sight you've seen has an abusive domestic history and recently contracted HIV in a psychotic revenge plot to take down their ex. Now had it not been for the fly, you might have been involved with their deceptive, charming, crazy, deranged self :-).

This brings me to my other point, missing the train. Now I can relate this to last summer while coming back from a job interview and seeing some friends. I remember it was sooo HOT I could've sworn I saw the devil walking around naked with a paper fan. I mean I was sweating bullets and wearing a black suit with some slacks, my legs were sweated, my dress shirt was dampened, I probably smelled dingy, BUT I LOOKED GOOD DAMMIT! So I was supposed to meet my friend at the subway station so we could go out, have drinks and just chill for the rest of the evening, something that I was looking forward to more and more and the day backed my brown booty. I was running to the train, on the Red Line for all you DC Natives, and I was at Wheaton Station and I missed the train by seconds. Frustrated I had to wait, and the next train came along as usual. Mind you, this was RUSH HOUR, it was hot just being in a crowd let alone the sun. The train loaded and proceeded on, we were stopped shortly there after, and we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. First we were told that a train had stopped ahead. Later we were told someone may or may not have fallen on the track. Ultimately we were told there was a collision between two trains, and we were either going to have to wait even longer or find a way to unload. We managed to get out of the tunnel and make it to the next station where I later had to make accommodations to meet my friend.

What am I trying to say? Do I even have to say it? EVERYTHING happens for a reason! I can't stress that enough. I could've been seriously hurt on that train or worse. And the other story, although fictitious was also something that could've happened to anyone, anytime anywhere. Getting back to my point and main topic of discussion: If you're done with something or someone, or it doesn't work out in the long run, it has happened and happened to you for a reason. I'm not saying I wouldn't go back this instant or if either way is a right or wrong decision, in the end is it worth going back? A situational question for a situational answer I suppose. How I feel: everyone comes in your life is either a seasonal occupant or a permanent resident. Its all a matter of choice, but it is all already been planned out, you can't change what has happened, but you can certainly make better out of what will happen. SO, if you want that old thing back, polish it up a bit or let it breath so you don't end up with the same end result which is the two of you not being together. Or if you're as strong as you claim your love to be, let them go so they can be happier without you than they seemed to be with you. Both are STRONG gestures in themselves whether they know you this was your intention or not. But you really should think of them as a person, or their overall happiness and well-being, BEFORE you conclude that you really do "Want That Old Thing Back...."
Just a suggestion, lol.

Maturity Shapes

Its time I patch things up. I show and feel such compassion for all others around me, yet I have no idea what to do about myself. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, intimate as well as friendships, I feel like I am the most immature and naive person I know. Simple things I don't get. Things others see that I don't. Things I hear then acknowledge but don't fully understand until I am in pain or without. And although I may not understand or comprehend it all I am learning. In the midst of my emotional education the mishaps and pains have such an impact to the point where I am left crippled or temporarily impaired.
I am maturing though! My friends see it and my family sees it. I have no loves to view the epic change. I say epic because that's just what it is. Its certainly a big deal considering my immature and past poor decisions. It means a lot to know that this has all been noticed. It would mean more that I would have a more substantial form of progress. Translation: something to show for said progress.
I also have a question: Is maturing forgetting? For instance, let's talk in terms of a deep and intimate past relationship. Of course with any new or current form of any relationship you want to learn something from the other. But when that experience ends and you have to let go of that person, is forgetting maturing? Is simply learning the matured action? I think these are more of opened ended questions if anything. Maybe to each his/her own. All I seem to find out are the depths of my various growing pains.

Hey I'm Super! Not Just Super-Slim

I was sitting back look at at all the average Hollywood protagonist that they make into super heroes and I feel like they're somewhat stereotyped and unrealistic. Who's to say you have to be 6'3" 220lbs, buff and great skin? I mean if you think about the real life scenarios you don't see too many real heroes and if you do they certainly don't resemble anything like what I previously stated. If I were to see a man jump out in front of a moving vehicle to save a child for instance, it would be a 47yr old balding man who who just got out of work doing his plumbing duties, takes one look at the child in the street and see his own child within them and decides to do something about it. That's a real hero. I mean lets be honest, in reality has anyone ever seen the muscle protruding Bally's Total Dips**t ever running to save the day? Yeah, I didn't think so. I mean hey, I have actually grabbed kids out of the way & pulled someone back from traffic before, but you wouldn't see that type of character in a movie. You would find an individual with my build and stature in comedies or docudramas that ultimately make you fall in love with us out of pity or some sort of "little-guy complex" empathy. This is all well and good, but as much as a buff individual can play those roles, there's a unrealized duality for those individuals like myself who aren't readily identifiable as those who would/could save your life. I was watching 'Zombieland' the other night and this was a movie that puts down your general hero complex in every way possible. The main character with the hero factor was a skinny white guy in his early 20's who wa quite low on the social totem pole before zombie epidemic struck the world. At the end of the movie, he saved the day, got the girl and did it all without a surplus of muscles and overcoming his fear of circus clowns. It seems to me that since it is a movie and it does have to sell it all must be aesthetically pleasing, visuals, physical appearance as well as story line. However, seeing those movies breakout of the average and do what i see as above average is a great time indeed. So I may or may not be "preaching to the crowd" right now but it makes a lot of sense to question what we're being sold, after all we pay for it.

Potentially Permanently Perplexed?

I'm confused, do people who do wrong or enough of it not deserve happiness? I have done my share of wrong and I've done my dirt but do I not deserve the best of things like everyone else. Let directly relate this question to relationships or lack thereof in my life. I have been a player, able to admit my mistake, correct it and move on. I humbly admit that. I'm not proud of it but I am proud to say that i have whole heatedly changed. Since that change which has been well over a year now I've tried my fair share of relationships, serious and committed relationships only to meet failure. Now whether or not these failed relationships were by my doing or not is not my point, my point is this some sort of shi**y Cupid Karma? A players penance? A debt to be paid for the subtle or deep dents that I've left in my past lover's hearts? It just seems like it an on going trend. Without a shadow of a doubt I let go of one person who I loved more with my mind, greatly with my body and much more with my heart. I let her go because I want to see her happy no matter what, and sacrificing my presence was a necessary pain. Now the fact that we're over is something Ive dealt with but I'm just trying to understand if its something that wasn't meant to be or a debt to be paid to the society of hearts and emotions i trampled selfishly. I've prayed for forgiveness, Ive asked for forgiveness and Ive moved on and wished them nothing but the best. But what about me? Its not a selfish question but a reasonable one at best. I am patient, if this is all some grand learning experience so I can be as perfected as much as any ultimately imperfect person can be, then so be it. But if this is the price to pay for all my admitted wrong doings then I shout "NAY!". The price is to high my fellow Internet fiends. The punishment does not match the crime. I know some may think that if you hurt someone than you should be damned by the god Cupid for all eternity but ultimately no one deserves that, and I'm not saying i deserve either way, I'm just curious and wondering. As of right now I wouldn't say I'm guarded but I would say that I'm cautious and aware. I don't fully trust any female in my life right now and with good and KNOWN reason whether they think so or not. I PEEP GAME!! Game recognizes game and I'm SO glad I'm familiar. The energized and fantastic sounds of the possibilities between one another were great in beginning and now seem to be fading in the middle, so are we headed to an inevitable end... most likely. And if so, was it really inevitable, or am I being taxed by a vengeful tyrant of lover's hate? Time will tell, even though I see no mouth on the watches face...

I miss and missed

I miss when the days that ended in "y not"
I miss the soothing chill to a heated day
I miss the mindset of a boy not instead of thinking like a calloused man
I miss texts just saying "I'm thinking about you" instead all the one-worded or unanswered ones I send to your number.
I miss having someone hold me
I miss that one person I could depend on, the application process for this is elaborate and taxing
I miss the friends who have your back, especially the ones not secretly holding the sharp objects you didn't know they possessed
I miss hugs from my father
I miss hugs from my dad
I miss the institution of a relationship
I miss making my bed, now all i do is make a neat pile on my mattress
I miss college, damn do i miss college
I miss my grandma, there's nothing like her anymore, may she continue to rest in peace
I miss my grandpa, wish i knew him better
I miss my grandfather, im glad we were close
I miss Joanne, she was truly one of a kind
I miss my "so-called" best friends, although they proved to be the best at being the worst
I miss my cousins, we all used to be so close, now we're grown and its all a memory it seems
I miss the days where I was the reason you smile, not him
I miss SLEEP. I am in limbo, insomnia haunts me, and I'm trying to get back to my lost love of temporal unconscious vegetation.
I miss 90's Nickelodeon
I miss Sega Genesis, id play it if I could right now real talk
I miss chasing the ice cream truck. Nobody better dare me LOL

I miss the days when i was missed....



I missed the part where it was ok to be a baby daddy
I missed the Simpsons because of Family Guy
I missed your phone call
I missed your phone calls
I missed the days where I never had a worry
I missed the days where I wouldn't have to question
I missed where you could get mad at me for the mistakes of someone else
I missed how that was my problem
I missed going to the movies to see 'The Princess and the Frog', i like kids movies
I missed the playfulness in your voice even though you say its there :-/
I missed you
I missed my mom while she was in the hospital, although i was there with here more than half of the 2 weeks she was there, I missed her spirit, glad she has it back now
I missed the point of the last episode of 'The Sopranos'

Im missing nothing