IN, For Good....

Never had a love w/out last on my heart this long
Different lyrics, verses and beats, yet its all the same song
Its been months since a whisper of despair in that voice
Couldn't forget, but id let go if that were my choice
My nature and instinct has conflicted with my actions
This is not a physical or mental but a soul's attraction
Never needed to shape this in any way
The only thing I'd mold is an arrangement to make that luminous half stay
Life's unfair?A selfish and narrow-minded conclusion
To be in complete control of such an intense outcome: a bitter delusion
Soft hands, sweet lips and inside smiles
Forever walking my mind's wishful aisle
Enchanted by the intelligence of a connection not meant for understanding
Returning me to myself, whatever that maybe, is what I am demanding
A man apart, a life apart, a partial part.
I'm not just yearning to make love, but art.
Times change and so does the game
But like my heart and decisions, the more things change, the more they stay the same....

Questions, Questions

Good girls like me, great women loved me
Ive always felt like shit on the inside, so did they really know me?
Do I really know me?
Few are still around, did the others just blow me?
Woe is me
There's never been a cold me
But there is definitely an old me
Who gets no sleep
Who cares deep but acts and reacts recklessly
What did they see in me that I haven't seen?
What did the inevitable endings really mean?
At the end my smile stayed pearly white, but wasn't always clean
Broke the hearts and I can't regret it
Each one of the now mended hearts is better for the better after we decided to dead it
I let one go and still that runs through my mind
As long as I believe it was for the better, it'll be fine
Life is a lesson, I'll learn in time
Maybe I was her lesson in life to learn and get a piece of mind
Just as long as her heart's intact because she still has a piece of mine....

The Hunt for My Song of Expression

Its been a long time since I chilled in my zone.
My zone of splendor.
That zone where I have simplicity serenity and joyful peace.
I've lost my zone.

To time or growth I'm not sure.

But my zone was a place of music and relativity for my needs and satisfactions.

It was a place I never found to often but enough to not be missed. Never forgotten.
We can relate it to a musician and the cords and notes he needs to play to express himself.
The musician is so in-touch with his expression he can't sleep at night unless he lets lose with his notes and melodies.
Let's let this genre be jazz.
It has subtle variations to its style but always has the same soulful and calm beats that you can recognize and chill out to.
Anyways, I've lost touch with my jazz.
I haven't played the same cords in such a long time.
I miss rolling around in the feeling of my jazz.
It seems either I've out grown it, or its outgrown me.
I feel unsettled, is this apart of the separation.
Is my lack of melody meant to be.
I like music.
I want to be in music.
I want to be in jazz.
No more no less.
I want to speak through my jazz, I want it to speak through me.
I crave that release and that energy.
A new perspective on myself through every song played, created and learned.
It used to be easy to find my instrument, but now it seems they are a dime a dozen.
It all just makes me wonder where the time went.
Back in the day when you were weeks-months older and things made more sense than they do now, or they were just easier to get around.
I want to roll around in the notes that used to play without question.
I want to feel the the bass line and rumble with the hook.
Never again.
Doesn't have to make sense, its all an open 2nd grade English book to me.
As abruptly as it stopped, so shall this.

"They Want That Old Thing Back..."

I'm hearing a lot of people talk about they want to get back with their ex's. I must admit that I too am victim of these somewhat intrusive thoughts and feelings. Its only natural that when in search of a new love you think about the old and compare the potential to the dieing or deceased present affections. You want to know right then and there, what's better, what's worse, what makes sense, and what won't ultimately leave you in that elusive medical anomaly known as love. But in the end, is going back worth it?

Day by day I become more of a firm believer that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. From missing your train to the fly that whizzes right into your eye as if it was trying to tunnel into your iris, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

Lets analyze the possibilities for a second. Walking down the street on a sunny but mellow afternoon, sweet smells of industry rolling by at every minute. Suddenly you happen to come across the embodiment of what you instantly to believe to be your future spouse. You automatically don't break stride, you even put a little pep in your step to be noticed. They look in your direction, you manage to let out a smirk and lock eyes, just when you're about to open your mouth a little wider to reveal those pearly white the loudest, hairiest, and directed flies you've ever seen or heard of in your life whizzes from behind your head and tries to enter your ocular cavity on a mission to get to the banana you just had for lunch. This instantly sends you into a quick and potentially violent spasm for all innocent bystanders with your arms flailing in the air and your body ducking and dodging the fly like you were trying to miss a few quick hooks from "Iron" Mike Tyson. Your spouse takes on a strange and yet horrified out face as if seeing the infamous '2 Girls, 1 Cup' vid on the internet and proceeds to quickly walk in the opposite direction. Now I can see how this may sound as an incredibly humiliating and a future reason to see psychiatric help but what you DIDN'T know, was the vanishing spouse at first sight you've seen has an abusive domestic history and recently contracted HIV in a psychotic revenge plot to take down their ex. Now had it not been for the fly, you might have been involved with their deceptive, charming, crazy, deranged self :-).

This brings me to my other point, missing the train. Now I can relate this to last summer while coming back from a job interview and seeing some friends. I remember it was sooo HOT I could've sworn I saw the devil walking around naked with a paper fan. I mean I was sweating bullets and wearing a black suit with some slacks, my legs were sweated, my dress shirt was dampened, I probably smelled dingy, BUT I LOOKED GOOD DAMMIT! So I was supposed to meet my friend at the subway station so we could go out, have drinks and just chill for the rest of the evening, something that I was looking forward to more and more and the day backed my brown booty. I was running to the train, on the Red Line for all you DC Natives, and I was at Wheaton Station and I missed the train by seconds. Frustrated I had to wait, and the next train came along as usual. Mind you, this was RUSH HOUR, it was hot just being in a crowd let alone the sun. The train loaded and proceeded on, we were stopped shortly there after, and we waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. First we were told that a train had stopped ahead. Later we were told someone may or may not have fallen on the track. Ultimately we were told there was a collision between two trains, and we were either going to have to wait even longer or find a way to unload. We managed to get out of the tunnel and make it to the next station where I later had to make accommodations to meet my friend.

What am I trying to say? Do I even have to say it? EVERYTHING happens for a reason! I can't stress that enough. I could've been seriously hurt on that train or worse. And the other story, although fictitious was also something that could've happened to anyone, anytime anywhere. Getting back to my point and main topic of discussion: If you're done with something or someone, or it doesn't work out in the long run, it has happened and happened to you for a reason. I'm not saying I wouldn't go back this instant or if either way is a right or wrong decision, in the end is it worth going back? A situational question for a situational answer I suppose. How I feel: everyone comes in your life is either a seasonal occupant or a permanent resident. Its all a matter of choice, but it is all already been planned out, you can't change what has happened, but you can certainly make better out of what will happen. SO, if you want that old thing back, polish it up a bit or let it breath so you don't end up with the same end result which is the two of you not being together. Or if you're as strong as you claim your love to be, let them go so they can be happier without you than they seemed to be with you. Both are STRONG gestures in themselves whether they know you this was your intention or not. But you really should think of them as a person, or their overall happiness and well-being, BEFORE you conclude that you really do "Want That Old Thing Back...."
Just a suggestion, lol.

Maturity Shapes

Its time I patch things up. I show and feel such compassion for all others around me, yet I have no idea what to do about myself. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, intimate as well as friendships, I feel like I am the most immature and naive person I know. Simple things I don't get. Things others see that I don't. Things I hear then acknowledge but don't fully understand until I am in pain or without. And although I may not understand or comprehend it all I am learning. In the midst of my emotional education the mishaps and pains have such an impact to the point where I am left crippled or temporarily impaired.
I am maturing though! My friends see it and my family sees it. I have no loves to view the epic change. I say epic because that's just what it is. Its certainly a big deal considering my immature and past poor decisions. It means a lot to know that this has all been noticed. It would mean more that I would have a more substantial form of progress. Translation: something to show for said progress.
I also have a question: Is maturing forgetting? For instance, let's talk in terms of a deep and intimate past relationship. Of course with any new or current form of any relationship you want to learn something from the other. But when that experience ends and you have to let go of that person, is forgetting maturing? Is simply learning the matured action? I think these are more of opened ended questions if anything. Maybe to each his/her own. All I seem to find out are the depths of my various growing pains.

Hey I'm Super! Not Just Super-Slim

I was sitting back look at at all the average Hollywood protagonist that they make into super heroes and I feel like they're somewhat stereotyped and unrealistic. Who's to say you have to be 6'3" 220lbs, buff and great skin? I mean if you think about the real life scenarios you don't see too many real heroes and if you do they certainly don't resemble anything like what I previously stated. If I were to see a man jump out in front of a moving vehicle to save a child for instance, it would be a 47yr old balding man who who just got out of work doing his plumbing duties, takes one look at the child in the street and see his own child within them and decides to do something about it. That's a real hero. I mean lets be honest, in reality has anyone ever seen the muscle protruding Bally's Total Dips**t ever running to save the day? Yeah, I didn't think so. I mean hey, I have actually grabbed kids out of the way & pulled someone back from traffic before, but you wouldn't see that type of character in a movie. You would find an individual with my build and stature in comedies or docudramas that ultimately make you fall in love with us out of pity or some sort of "little-guy complex" empathy. This is all well and good, but as much as a buff individual can play those roles, there's a unrealized duality for those individuals like myself who aren't readily identifiable as those who would/could save your life. I was watching 'Zombieland' the other night and this was a movie that puts down your general hero complex in every way possible. The main character with the hero factor was a skinny white guy in his early 20's who wa quite low on the social totem pole before zombie epidemic struck the world. At the end of the movie, he saved the day, got the girl and did it all without a surplus of muscles and overcoming his fear of circus clowns. It seems to me that since it is a movie and it does have to sell it all must be aesthetically pleasing, visuals, physical appearance as well as story line. However, seeing those movies breakout of the average and do what i see as above average is a great time indeed. So I may or may not be "preaching to the crowd" right now but it makes a lot of sense to question what we're being sold, after all we pay for it.

Potentially Permanently Perplexed?

I'm confused, do people who do wrong or enough of it not deserve happiness? I have done my share of wrong and I've done my dirt but do I not deserve the best of things like everyone else. Let directly relate this question to relationships or lack thereof in my life. I have been a player, able to admit my mistake, correct it and move on. I humbly admit that. I'm not proud of it but I am proud to say that i have whole heatedly changed. Since that change which has been well over a year now I've tried my fair share of relationships, serious and committed relationships only to meet failure. Now whether or not these failed relationships were by my doing or not is not my point, my point is this some sort of shi**y Cupid Karma? A players penance? A debt to be paid for the subtle or deep dents that I've left in my past lover's hearts? It just seems like it an on going trend. Without a shadow of a doubt I let go of one person who I loved more with my mind, greatly with my body and much more with my heart. I let her go because I want to see her happy no matter what, and sacrificing my presence was a necessary pain. Now the fact that we're over is something Ive dealt with but I'm just trying to understand if its something that wasn't meant to be or a debt to be paid to the society of hearts and emotions i trampled selfishly. I've prayed for forgiveness, Ive asked for forgiveness and Ive moved on and wished them nothing but the best. But what about me? Its not a selfish question but a reasonable one at best. I am patient, if this is all some grand learning experience so I can be as perfected as much as any ultimately imperfect person can be, then so be it. But if this is the price to pay for all my admitted wrong doings then I shout "NAY!". The price is to high my fellow Internet fiends. The punishment does not match the crime. I know some may think that if you hurt someone than you should be damned by the god Cupid for all eternity but ultimately no one deserves that, and I'm not saying i deserve either way, I'm just curious and wondering. As of right now I wouldn't say I'm guarded but I would say that I'm cautious and aware. I don't fully trust any female in my life right now and with good and KNOWN reason whether they think so or not. I PEEP GAME!! Game recognizes game and I'm SO glad I'm familiar. The energized and fantastic sounds of the possibilities between one another were great in beginning and now seem to be fading in the middle, so are we headed to an inevitable end... most likely. And if so, was it really inevitable, or am I being taxed by a vengeful tyrant of lover's hate? Time will tell, even though I see no mouth on the watches face...